Where I've been...

I know it's been about a month since I've written a blog and I'm not sure if some of you wonder why. So, I thought this drive I'm on would be a good time to explain whats been happening.

The short of it, my dad is dying. In all transparency, he's an alcoholic and is trying to speed up his last few days I think. I'm currently sitting in the back seat of my gmas car as she drives me to his house so i can see what's left of him. I was told he looks nothing like who he was even 4 months ago, virtually unrecognizable. And I'm scared of what I'm to expect.

Were abt an hour outside Houston and ready I see oil wells, man I miss home.

I haven't known what to do abt this situation w my dad... Were not close and it's solely bc of his drinking. And even Now, as in the past, he pushes away anyone who wants to help him, he's mean to ppl and won't listen to anyone. He thinks he knows best, as he always has done that and almost always is wrong, when ppl are just trying to help this ungrateful unhappy man.

It's so hard for me to be sympathetic to someone who wont help himself and purposefully put himself in this situation. I do not want to help him. But the part in me that values family and considers 'will I regret this later?' makes me go out here to see him. He doesn't deserve it and I shouldn't spend time nor money on someone who doesn't care abt me really but he's my father. I have to. He won't be here much longer and I'm not going to have a regret abt this...

I don't talk much abt my personal life but... As Paul Harvey says, now you know the rest of the story.

I have a great family (other side of the family) as I have written about before, my grandma is the closest thing to a guardian angel that anyone could get to. Without her, I don't know where I'd be. And in the holiday time and this difficult time, I'm so thankful for her. She let's me deal in my own ways and is very non-judgmental.

Find something unexpected to be thankful for. We all have beautiful amazing things in our life that are due their appreciation so I encourage you to find the shiny specks around you, big and small, that keep you going. It's a grateful time to be alive.




- Posted using BlogPress from the Aubs iPhone

The Randomness of Random Pt 24

Every time i hear Pink Floyd's 'Wish You Were Here', oh how it evokes the deepest feelings that i think are buried deep down in the pit of my stomach that I won't see for a very very long time...

It makes me sad and nostalgic and just so uber openly contemplative. i get this sense of open mindedness, like i'm drifting, hovering, looking at my life from the big open perspective in the sky. it's almost a supernatural experience, but so not......

Anyhoo. I love this song. it's one of my all time favorite songs... EVER.

I have to say, as well.... It's so much better to have the big picture perspective of your life rather than a short termed tunnel vision setting. i feel... safer. I have a drive and ambition and persistance... It's amaznig secure to know that where i am now isn't where I'm gonna be. And it enables me to make better decisions. I thank God that He gave me the ability to look beyond the right now into the 'what will be'. I now need to get rid of the procrastination part of me and get to moving to that part of 'what will be'!!!! I'm so happy about the decisions I've made lately.

The Randomness of Random pt 23

This is just a reminder for all you who are passionate and thrive on self improvement...

Remember that when God tells you 'no' about something, it's not always a bad thing. I have to remember when I get that sense of rejection that it's not necessarily a personal thing... Sometimes it's God shielding us from unnecessary hurt, pain, trauma/drama, or something worse... Sometimes the 'no' is a protective maneuver from the Big Man above.

Don't take rejection personal. "It's not you, it's me..." Sometimes it really isn't you.... but then again... sometimes it is. Learn to discern the difference. Change those things about you that you don't like. Improve on the things you do. And Pray to know how to recognize the difference.

Much Love!!!

The Randomness of Random Pt. 22

why do we want what we want when we want it?
Do you ever ponder the mechanics of interestingness? What makes you interested in something and then, to go even further in it, what keeps you interested in something? Its like... fire. who's NOT interested in fire? We see fire and we stare at it most times, providing not a house fire and no lives are at stake, we could easily just stare into flames, into what it is, the colors, the embers.... then we like to play with it. we know it could hurt us if we let it... we know it can be dangerous, but we do it still the same, none the less, without even caring. but why? why are we so interested in something that can be dangerous and hurt us?

Do you see a great analogy here? do you see a correlation here to why we even go into a relationship, with anyone... with our friends. trusting our family. falling in love... why??? they're all dangerous, or present a possibility for it. they're all carrying a probability of being hurt in some way at some point in time. but we do it without question usually. why are we interested in developing relationship? why are we interested in certain ppl and not in others? why.... great questions you all ask...

In order to understand our own interestingness, you must in turn come to an understanding with yourself and be ok with the 'self realization' you will have when you discover the things you do and don't like. and you have to be OK with what you see... this self discovery is crucial to the understanding phase of why we do what we do and why we want what we want. do you know this is probably one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do.... Being honest with yourself and accepting that it's truth. But once you can do this, you can become the person you want to be. you can change what you don't like about yourself and you can be a happier person.

So... why do we like what we like? i find it usually comes to self preservation. why do i want it when i want it (usually now) because 'das how we roll....

The Randomness of Random pt 21

Have you ever considered Scrabble to be a great analogy for life!?

If you have a smart phone or friends with someone who does, you may have heard the buzz over the last year about words with friends, an Internet based scrabble game you can play with random ppl or your own friends. I started playing this game earlier in the year, as i do often try to delay jumping on band waggons 'just because' until i see the benefits and costs of each situation. After beginning to play, however, i found it does become addictive, mostly bc i can be somewhat competitive... (i must get that from my mom for sure... ;)

So, I def can hold my own in this game... i do have a knack in finding combination words and i wondered why am i good at this game? Does it have any correlation on the way i view life? bc, think about it... scrabble is in essence a game of chance, if you play your tiles right. it's all about taking what you have and making the best of it. sometimes you win. sometimes you lose, but it FOR SURE is all about how you play the game. If you don't try to find the bonus plays, by making multiple words, you won't succeed. if you don't ride out those double word or double letter or triple play tiles you won't win. its all about looking at the big picture, strategizing, getting the biggest bang for your buck and hoping and praying the opponent doesn't try to hit you when you're down.

who thought Scrabble could be such an amazing analogy for life!!!!
before you play, take a step back and consider, is there another avenue that is going to take me farther? and are there any bonus plays i can get to make my move more successful? it's amazing how far we can go here.....

Enjoy my beautiful people!!! PLAY SOME WORDS! HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHANNAN (Right)!

The Randomness of Random pt 20

Is it always when you least expect things to happen that they do? So many things, good and bad, have happened lately and of course I’m not expecting them to happen at all! But alas they do… and it’s not always a bad deal. Sometimes the things you need are the thing that hurt the most… Like the song says from The Fray – All at once, ‘We’d never know what’s wrong without the pain. Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same…’

That song means so much to me in 1000 different ways… I’m so the least from perfect. I see that all the time. I am 100% not the best ever. But one thing I know from experience… anytime I let go of something I want so much but know I need the like a hole in the head… I get something so much more amazing and wonderful from it!!!!! God, it’s amazing… saying that to say… you have to be mature enuf and have enuf faith to know when you do the very things that you know you need to, whether it be from God or whatever you believe, the blessing you have awaiting yourself is going to knock your socks off, babe… truly blow your mind.

“Momma, I’m coming home!”

The Randomness of Random pt 19

Power is a privilege not to be abused. Have you ever sat back and considered in a logical/hypothetical way... What would i do if i could do anything... ? I thot abt that but abt what would anyone would do, today. I wondered abt this because we have so many rules now abt HIPPA now and privacy acts, that you have to be very discerning with employees these days bc most ppl, in Memphis, don't have firm morals or values. Most ppl will break laws or vows if it will benefit them in some microscopic way.... It's sad.

This did, however, led me to deeper insight... and I guess that's why Jesus was the only one able to be trusted w miraculous powers such as being all knowing and all controlling for this matter. Bc He wouldn't abuse the privilege, He's the only superhero that is infallible.

Deep thought....

- Posted using BlogPress from the Aubs iPhone

The Randomness of Random pt 18

If any of you had any idea how many random thoughts i come across in one day, it quite possibly might blow your mind.

Today, it hit me that one day, i quite possibly will lose my grandma one day. The lady that i have looked up to my entire life. The only person in my entire family that rarely fails me, that never stopped believing in me, that has supported me without question since the day i was known about.... just THINKING about if ever she isn't here made me develop tears while sitting in my desk at work. I know she doesn't want to read this but. i could never fathom a day that she doesn't know how much i love her....

I know there are so many of you out there with amazing families who are so tightly knit that you all live on the same block practically and do everything together and blah blah... but as the proverbial they says... to be loved by one person in your lifetime, you shall call yourself blessed. I am more than blessed....

AND... she's a Facebook pro and one hell of a poker player... how many of you have Meme's who can sit and have a drink with you and kick your butt in poker and take all your money!? (that's why i always ask her to borrow $5 before we play.... ;)

The Randomness of Random pt 17

Forgive me for the delay in posting... there are so many things that have happened over the summer that have and are changing my life. dramatically. It's been quite... exhausting.

So I know i've written about how much i drive and how i think when i drive and it's good time for me to rumble thru all the random thoughts in my head.... but one day i was driving (like a bat outta hades, as usual) and i saw an analogy about relationships with driving... how they're so similar. When you are driving there's a method to getting thru traffic. sometimes you can go in and get straight thru, no problem, no hold ups, you just zoom zoom zoom thru... everything falls into the right place and you break thru the crowd and you get on the road with nothing on either side of you. it's just there... you... alone... cruising! and those drives are great. no huge bumps, easy-peasy, but sometimes you have road blocks and big huge trucks in the way and you have to start using your head and thinking thru what you are going to do and plan ahead and work your magic to get thru it. And BE PATIENT!! (that's a 4 letter word for me...)

Just like anything that we do, you have to know how to act and you have to think about the things you do in order to get the desired outcomes you want.

Anticipate your next steps.
Stay on the road and keep yourself and other drivers safe.
Pass on the inside when you need to but be aware it can bite u big time in a curve.

My car.... :)

The randomness of random pt 16

What I wouldn't give to be a barfly on the wall sometimes. I understand some of my most interesting verbal conversations have happened in a restaurant or establishment of some sort... And it makes me think, as much as I live people watching.... Imagine the plethora of entertainment I could have if I was able to quietly observe while not being able to interrupt. I could learn soooooooo much abt ppl. I could see my friends in their most true forms. I could learn the most interesting facts abt ppl... It would be surreal.

But w great power comes great responsibility. I'd have to ask how much could I really take then... ? I already know so much abt my friends that I'm not sure I would be able to handle that level of knowledge of others, I fear it would skew my opinions... And I know it would for some of them...

I think I'll stay w what I got. Just being able to do this is actually enuf for right now. :)

- Posted using BlogPress from the Aubs iPhone

The randomness of random pt 15

"All human situations have their inconveniences. We feel those of the present but neither see nor feel those of the future; and hence we often make troublesome changes without amendment, and frequently for the worse." - Benjamin Franklin

I know it's been a month since I've posted. But this has GOT to be the most mortally frightening month I've ever had.

The theme for my weekend a month ago today was "party to forget mortality". Dealing w the fact my mom was looking face to face w cancer was devistating for me, as I realized later, and just not knowing if or what or anything was the hardest part. At least if u know for sure u can get a plan of attack. U can call in the troops and forge an attack on whatever ur dealin w and be done w it!!! Kick cancer's arse in a way it's never seen. But that weekend of not knowing what she had tore me up. And while we do not know for sure what it is now, her second opinion dr was very reassuring that if he thot it was cancer he would treat it asap. So. This last month I have kinda... Neutralized myself. I think for the week after that I was in a very dark place for abt 10 days straight. God just gently brought me back up. Lovingly I might add... And I was normal again. Till this week.

Why must must mortality beat on my door now? Why must I have it shoved in my face over again that I am not invincible. I know my faith keeps me plugged in saying "if it's my time, so be it." but man. Having to read up abt symptoms and causes an potential issues can totally kill ur spirit if u let it.

Remain focused on the fact God is the truth and has the final say. Diagnoses come and go and are wrong 1/2 the time. No one and no thing except what is real and true can replace it. All this speculation makes me so darn mad an scared at the same time. But I will again party to forget mortality this weekend.

Me and my peeps. :) Shannan n Bjarni. Amazing music fest weekend!



- Posted using BlogPress from the Aubs iPhone