The randomness of random

Seeing as how this blog is in fact a random thoughts blog... I've decided to make an effort to post some of my random thoughts.

Such as... What makes someone want to buy a specific car. Do u ever ask yourself did I buy this car bc of love or opprotunity? What a metaphor right!!?? I often wonder why ppl buy things they don't need/want. Why not wait for what u do want to come along. My car, for instance. I wanted my car for YEARS!! I wanted it and took my previous car to trade in but didn't. Anyhoo... I waited. I wanted to get what I want at the time that would be good to get it. Now... God obviously knew the greatest opprotunity would come when I totalled my last car, however He made the best opp for me at that time. I couldn't have what I wanted when I wanted it, but at the moment that everything else would be ready to receive it.

Gotta love the metaphoric content people...

Anyways. I spend SO much time in my car that I knew I had to get what I really wanted. And I did. And now, even w all the bad press Toyota is getting, I'm still so in love w my car. :)

Buy cars u love. That's my random thought of the day.

This was the view from my run last Friday nite. :) I heart living downtown.







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Streaming live from my phone!!

Did u know there's an app for that!!! And I have it!! :) I am now coming to you from my mobile phone!! I love apple and the iPhone!

Soooo... I don't know where to begin to catch you all up on this journey... It's been such a trying time and slow to complete, but, live is ever changing. The last 2 months being no exception. Let's see:
I've moved
I changed jobs (and companies)
Found a new church
I have a new phone
New furniture
New computer (iMac baby!!!)
New photoworkshop!!
New close friend
New friends, period, from work
New life...

Have no idea what the future holds, but it's been quite an experience. Moving was a sadddddd story with all the ice, but it got done. Still not fully unpacked, but I'm sure itll happen... Maybe. Ha!

Still trying... Still pushing... Still praying.


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I'm Finding Myself... and i see the trend!

This week has been crazy... and good! I've finally been getting back into the swing of things.

Lots of stuff is coming to mind tho, that i really do have to be careful who i let into my life. People don't realize how significant the power of those you allow to speak into your life actually have over you! I thought i could handle it, handle things, handle my self, handle my life... but the key here: i thought I could do this... i can't do this... i can't handle my life. i can't handle my self. i can't control others, i can't control anything in my life. the only thing i can control is letting go of my life, myself, my control and letting God have His will over my life. There was a song sung today, "I give myself away... " I've said it before and I'll say it again... my life is not my own... I choose to lay myself down for my God. and I was never more happy to hear that song today. bc it renews my choice. it reminds me... that I do belong to someone. I do belong to the most important, greatest cause in the world! I belong to the most high, the most magnificent, the most spectacular being! I belong to the Most High God! and for that... i could not be more happy!!!! it's MY CHOICE! it's my decision. and i gladly lay my life down for His Will... ahhhh... it's coming back. i'm coming back. i'm finding myself!!!!!!!!!!! Ahhh... that's just it... i'm finding myself again. Finding why i have done what i've done. made the sacrifices that I've made. why i have wanted to become the person i'm becoming. why I choose to die to myself. aaahhhh... that's it!

i must become the person God has called me to be. because as we see... any time i veer off the course He has set for me, anytime i divert and take the beaten paths, i'm not happy. it's not fulfilling, it's not fruitful and I suffer in vain. for things that will not make me happy, for people who will only hurt me, for things that will only make me sad. it doesn't bring me joy. and what does... any time i follow God's will for my life. i see joy come into my life again. i see happiness on my face, i feel it in my heart. i see it in my soul and i find the fruit on my tree. any one else besides me see a trend!!??? wow... and i rejoice in this. i rejoice in it any time that I or anyone i know or hear about FINDS themself in Him... in the only One who can help them. amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!

woot!!!

Ok. so now. lets catch up. I'm going to Houston, my home town, for thanksgiving. I'm SO SO SO SO EXCITED! i've not been this excited to travel down there in a long time! and now... i'm stoked! i miss my family so much!!! Since we've been on facebook, we've been communicating so much the last couple of months. and i'm so happy that i will get to see them soon! it's great! i leave Tuesday and then fly back the following Tuesday. long trip down! but.. it's going to be awesome... can you tell... i'm SO EXCITED! woot!!

I went to Life Church today. it was so so so good to see my friends. I miss them so much... I got to see Buddy and Stacie this week! that was FAB-U-LOUS!!! woohoo! i love them like i love my family. they will always be part of my family. I hung with Andy and Brandy, another set of siblings, who lovingly take care of me when i'm down or when i'm sick. I'm truly blessed.... i mean... for reals... who else, when living uprooted from their family, has so many ppl that they can call when they need something. these are people who i know will lay down everything if i tell them i need them NOW. I hung with Jeff, i get to see Kirsti tomorrow... i went to lunch with some amazing people today! wow... i LOVE MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and my cousin is gonna have a baby ANY DAY! WOOOOOOOHOOOOOO!!! Scarlett will be here soon!

see... that's what i'm talkin about. i've waited forever to say this... i've waited many many days... and i do.. i LOVE my LIFE!!!! i'm putting in some pics i've taken of another AMAZING family i'm blessed to know. they're truly beautiful, inside and out. it's awesome... I have the privlidge of taking pictures of people... i LOVE THIS JOB! this is without a doubt God bringing me my heart's desire... agian... how blessed am i!!!!????

find the love in your life... and tell me about it!

if today was the last day...

My status update for today: what if today could be the day. today could be the best day. ever wonder if today was going to be the last day to have a day, to make someone ones day, to be in someones way...

i always hear that question "what if today was your last day..." and i've thought about it occasionally, what would i do if today was going to be my last day... what would i do? where would my loyalties lie, who would i want to see, spend my last moments with, where would i want to depart? i've thought, from time to time, do i want to be alone? I am honestly a very independant person and i DEFINITELY need my own space, but it's more and more apparent to me now, that i do also crave companionship. and why? i refuse to ever be dependant on another human being again, but... i do admit that dealing with 2 little girls all the time, having an adult around consistently is quite nice.

i have thought of so many good blogs lately, but haven't had time to write. i think this needs to change and stay changed.

so... lets catch up, shall we?

i've got paying gigs now for photography! woohoo! and i have to admit, i'm pretty inexpensive... but i LOVE it so much. it's more for my pleasure than for the cash... but it's a HUGE accomplishment!! :) i've got great subjects tho! ;)

went to Waco... i will write about that later. HUGELY AMAZING AND WONDERFUL TIME! i felt like a huge weight came off my shoulders when i came back.

work... sucks.

male species: hhmmm, try again.

haven't seen any good movies... but i want to! lots that i want to see!

Church... well... i think i'm gonna move.

ok. so... what if it was your last day and you knew it was your last day (doing whatever, being whatever, living whatever)... where would you go... what would you do... how would you finish it?

if it seems too good to be true... it probably is!

wow... what a week, what a month... what an ordeal!

it doesn't seem like it's at all real, what all has transpired this last month. and the only thing i can say is that i was bamboozled! ha!! i was pretty guarded and did it the way i was supposed to... but then i messed up. i trusted the wrong thing. against all cognitive reasonable thought... i trusted... and while i know that to never trust a person is not the way to do it... i am being proven otherwise by people. all around me... all the time. and i know this isn't my battle!!! but... man... did i just miss that mark or what.

i thought my job was too good to be true. i thought i had a boss who supported me and would remain on my side only to have that 100% turned around in my face and made me fully intend on walking out, which we know isn't the answer.  but now I'm seeing patience and guarding my every emotion and feeling and know it will definitely protect me physically and emotionally but also make it so much easier to be disappointed.

then... i was lied to. misled. or at least thats how it feels. proving to me even more so that i must guard my heart... above all else!!! just like the word says. you just can't trust people. and why? no, you don't do things to deserve it. no matter how many times you replay your decisions, right, wrong or indifferent, you DO NOT deserve it... and i tell the ones who hurt me this as much as i tell myself. you don't deserve to be treated poorly. but you have no right to dishonor or disrespect anyone else either.

I know you get what you reap. but I don't wish anything bad on those who wrong me. from my childhood to now... i honestly do not. but i can't help the fact that God can provide a better revenge than any one person can. and i while i hope that i will also not get it as bad as i give it, i hope the same for those who wrong me.

God says to thank Him still in times of trouble. Oh how i love iorny... Thank Him in times of tribulation (James 1:2-3). Because you are in the midst of being pruned... God is not a God who wastes his time! only those who are called will be tried. You will be tested... 1Peter 1:5-7. We should be thankful that we are not overlooked. we should be thankful that we are deemed worthy!! we should thank God that he cares so much to get all in our business to correct us!!! We are called... I am called. God has called me for such a bigger purpose than to be hurt and dismayed or in dispair. He has a higher calling for me. and i will be thankful for the lessons, that He does NOT give up on me! Oh how sweet it is that if I fail, and we know I did... that He will bring me closer to Him even more so and care enuf about me to get right up in there and teach me. Psalm 66:10-14. In the trials, He refines us, like purifying silver... while we go thru the depts of dispair, we will praise His name... I am far from perfect and I am definitely not the best example... but I know God is with me... Psalm 34:17 and i know God will not give up on me, for He directs my paths...

Abraham... Genesis 22... I am willing to Sacrifice, only b/c God told me to.

With that, I am so guarded as to who i give attention to. While i know i'm not better than the other, i care enough about what God has called me to that I don't want to get off track. And having someone who gets that (or makes you think they do) and understand... that if i give you my time, it's because you really are extraordinary too, then to find out it's totally false... it is disheartening. And violating. and i don't like to beleive that any of it could be true. which is why i know that God has a huge plan for all the things that happen. it's all for a reason.

Its so not over.

the laugh...

I heard a laugh today for the first time in a long while... I think someone's real and genuine laugh can be an expression of hope; a token of excitement and forward looking, a breath of fresh air. Such a welcomed sound... :) oh how i have missed it!!!

Who would have thought that college football is something that i have MISSED?? it's amazing what you can do when you have time to watch TV. i forgot how much I really like football... amazing!!!

Check out these beautiful pics! Some from a trip i took recently... this little girl just stole my heart. she was so sweet and fun!!! Just a joy to shoot and she reminds me so much of my family... just a doll!

Went to Devils Den St park in NorthWest AR. I will deny it till the day i die, but i think i actually miss living in AR. i miss the mountains!!!! i miss the ppl there now... but these pics are just a little of the fun i had!

More trips to come, i'm sure!

trial and error

When all else fails, there really IS trial and error...

But what I'm learning in life is:

• You don't make as many mistakes as you think you do... and even if you do, who cares!!! if they love you for who you are, your mistakes aren't really going to matter in the long run, so they won't dwell on them either, so why do you!?
  
• you won't get anywhere if you don't let go of the past, especially if it's more than 10 yrs ago... and forgive and forget... for reals. you can't see where you're going if you're constantly trying to drag up where you've been


• you gotta give trust to get it. No matter what... you won't move a bit forward if you don't trust someone... just TRUST SOMEONE!


• Just because you're scared doesn't mean you can't step out on faith. and even if you do get hurt... pain can be a good thing! without it, how do you really know you're human? Pain may not be necessary, at all... but I'll take a little pain and get some joy, happiness and possibly a life long of blessings to go thru it for a minute.


• God doesn't give up on me... I'm so thankful that even thru all my mistakes, God doesn't give up... He never ever gives up. but He still loves me to give me these blessings!! To bestow upon me gifts of life!! gift of Joy! He still gives me the desires of my heart!!!!

AHH you guys... it's a new day... a new era... and I'm happy to take the chances... :) more pics will come later. :) Maybe in a couple of weeks.

Been too long....

It's been so long since I have written about anything. Part of that is because even I didn't know what is going on in my life. And part is it's hard to write about.

The important thing here is that I and my family are happy, healthy and doing great. But I have had to make some rough decisions lately an even some that I really don't know why yet, I do know God is showing me very clearly what He needs from me and I am, in blind faith, obeying.
I know this step in my life is going to be physically alone, but spiritually healing, rewarding and freeing. I am going to find that next step in my life that will lead to freedom, hope and my calling that God has showed me He has for me. But this step I'm in now... It's pretty hard. It's tumultuous. This time is the hardest I've begun since my divorce.

But, on the good side, I've updated my resume, I've begun reading a new book, I'm purposing to have time with God and writing in a new journal regularly and I'm doing what I can to not seclude myself from those who God has put into my life to put me on His track again. That's probably the hardest part right know.
Derek did come home for a 2 week R&R visit and we got to see him, which was such a happy, happy time. And there's just no words for what time with him means to me. And seeing my family is HUGE. It's such a great time and when I don't get to see them regularly, it makes me mad that I can't be around them more. It makes me really max and hurt that they don't come here or make efforts to spend time with us, especially knowing I and the girls love them and enjoy them so much.

Part of this new phase: to acknowledge what I feel, know that those feelings are real, good - bad - indifferent, and not suppress them, to work thru them. Just because there's things that make u mad or hurt u doesn't mean u act like it's not real - face it. Deal with it. Figure it out and learn n move on! This is what God did. This is what he calls us to do. Us being successful in this is exactly how we help others. This is how we work to help God heal. Ppl are hurt and wounded. Let's help this world. Let's be there for ppl.


Will post pics later folks. :) there's some good ones!

Ch-Ch-Changes...

You know, i've always loved changes in my life... usually, they've always been for the better. Sometimes, of course not, but as i said today, to my special someone, i am the person i've become b/c of all the things i've gone thru, good and bad. I love the trials, and it even says in the bible to thank God in times of trouble and trial, Romans 5:3-5, because this is how God creates in us the character he needs for us to carry out what He has called us to do. So... to make the long story short, as James 1 says, I thank God in times of trials... I thank God when I'm faced with temptation and toil because I know God is making me into who He needs. So... with that, know i welcome changes. Know i welcome a good challenge, for that will never leave me bold, i will never quit growing, i will never quit learning, i will NEVER quit improving who I am or let go of what God has touched me with, with the dreams, with the Passion, with the calling He has laid upon me.

I welcome the changes in my life, I welcome this change. I have had to make some promises, some sacrifices, commitments, but as with the rest of what I've said above... i see my future full of opprotunity. and I look forward to more substantial changes to come!

Jasmin is playing softball! It's her first year, but she's doing great, even says her coach! :) I'm looking forward to watching her play! :)

On a good note, i've heard from my brother in Iraq. he's doing good, doesn't have much to do there, but he's making it. As good as can be expected, i think.

I'm making another trip up north at the end of May.... it can NOT get here soon enuf!!! I can not wait!!!! not at all. "That is definitely NOT going to happen"... Anyhoo... one of my MEM bff's will be there, on a seperate trip, will be there at the same time i am! :) so i'm really looking forward to blending the worlds. :) For now, I will be happy to listen to random conversations about cars and boats G-money. ;)

OH! and i had a HUGE breakthru at work!!! :) i'm so happy!!! Friday finished on a great note! that one breakthru made the last 3 weeks worth it. :):):) 3 of the hardest weeks i've ever had at work.

see all these smilies! :) "Hmm, puzzling..." ha! good times, my friend... good times!!! and now you're caught up.

should i stay or should i go...

The Clash... maybe they've had it figured out all along. the ultimate question. Should I Stay or Should I Go? The answer to this question can fill so many voids of endless wonder. The Clash... they had it...

Do you ever wonder about how to make decisions? The decision making process? Which is right and wrong? Do you or don't you? Should you or no? Will you or do you decline? Sooo many decisions... Should I stay or should I go?

There is a process to making decisions. And like i have learned in DR, the main key, at least for me, is to rely on the only true rock known... God. but i do believe God gives us tools in order to make decisions, especially when you don't feel you've heard the voice of God speak. Obviously, starting with the Word of God, next, I know God gives us influential people, who are soundly grounded in His word and will for their life, that you can rely on. He gives us people for us to seek counsel from. And... this... this is huge for me. Because i have such great friends, who love God and seek His will constantly, and i love them all. And, even still, i don't know... should i stay or should i go? will i or won't i? should i or don't i? can i or not????? the ultimate question, the ultimate answer... is still unknown for me.

But one thing is sure - if the question impacts two lives, i think it should always be made by two people. And in one united front, for the greater good of all involved. And if all agree, it can only be the best for everyone. And knowing this, knowing that my decisions are made for the best interests of all involved, and all things being reviewed and considered, uttermost concerning what I believe God to be telling me for my life... i know we can't go wrong. My walk today was great. The conversation was even better. Its great how a nice walk outside can really help you clear the air, clear your mind, get back in touch with what matters. Talking, albeit over-rated, can help tremendously.

I had a root canal done, just for anyone wondering from my crazy facebook posts lately. I had a botched crown put on last year that came loose, i changed dentists, just to find out i had to get a root canal done. I was prescribed some medicine that i didn't take with food each and every time i was supposed to take it, but in the middle of the night, i took some meds, blacked out, passed out on my bed and woke up in the morning throwing up. Now... why am i sharing? you should ALWAYS FOLLOW THE PRESCRIPTION!!! if it says to take with food, do it, but do it properly.

ok, now i'm done being mom. Enjoy the pics, rely on what you can trust. follow the rules. (yes, i suck for telling you to follow the rules... ;)

home, sweet, wait, where?

I'm home...
.... uh,....
............
Yay? well, yay... nope... lets go back... Can i go back?

I am home. I would love to go back to Minnesota for another few days, weeks, months, pretty much until November, the end of Nov, after birthdays have come and gone, and then i would come home till it got warm again. Yep, that's about right. If i could bring my girls and my church with me, i'd be back up there today. yep... oh, and Kirsti and Sonya too... and all the media team, of course, i said church and all of DR, geezzzeee... can i just uproot all my peeps in the city? you'd all LOVE Minneapolis/St. Paul area!! i promise!!!


yay... :l


lets go back! :) i'll tell you the whole story...


i met someone new. and i know you all are going to think i'm crazy... but i did... i met a male. he's got a very dark shade to his hair. He's got the CUTEST most handsome face i've ever seen... he's not as tall as most, but he definitely can pull off what he does have. I call him 'G-dawg' but most of you would not. b/c he doesn't like just anyone...


of course he does... look at his cute little puppy dog face!!! :) he's my new running buddy... Let me introduce you all to Guinness. He's from Memphis, so i feel it's appropriate for me to call him G-dog, G-Money, Hom-e-G... whatever southen slang slur i can come up with at the time. He's a great dog tho. but i'm a little partial i think, he snuggled with me a lot! :)


So... I'm not ready to have come home. but i am not sure i ever would be ready. I can tell you i sure did not expect to love it so much there. I mean, i hear about the sub zero temps, i know all about the 100 ft of snow you get in 1 hr there, (maybe that's a slight exadderation) but i can't explain how amazing it was for me... I met some really, REALLY fun people, and i genuinely did like them all... (like i wouldn't have tho??) but i really did have tons of fun with them. and!! man, the cities, and i mean, the 100 cities all rolled into one big metropolitian area, are all CLEAN! beautiful! and so full of culture and class and charisma... not to mention... why i went in the first place... speechless. there's just not words for it yet. I should have taken much more advantage of my time, but i was very well taken care of instead... I honestly do not know how i would want to leave, with a time had as we did. No words.

I have tho THUROUGHLY enjoyed my time with my babies tonight. Oh, i did miss them so much. and they missed me! and we had a great time tonight, eating pizza. yeah, really nutritious, i know! :) but it was great!



OH AND GUESS WHAT!! i'm gonna be a cousin-aunt! :) my cousin (who's 2 yrs younger and is the only sister i've known) is gonna have a baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!! (that's a real YAY!) Congrats, Jen! i love you!!!! can't wait to talk to you!!!!