My yearly post?

It's been forever since I've shared in this blog. But I have thoughts and this seems to be the best place lay it down. 

I think in lists. And the following list is the best overview I can give fo where life is right now. 

• I am super happy with life
• I love love love my church!!! And love serving on the weekends.  
• I'm twice divorce and silently and absently judge myself every time I say it because I can't believe I allowed my life to take those turns
• I love my job more every day - I pray I have the ability to retire from my job when I'm old enough to. 
• I have the best girls in the world. Being #momof3girls is truly the best job I've ever had. And they make me proud every day. They put smiles on my face. And they are beautiful inside and out. All of them. All the time. 
• I am happier than I thought I could ever be. And my life is so not perfect
• It's not about what you have, how much money you make, if you're married or single. It's about dancing in the rain and finding joy where you are. 
• I don't have any more Fs to give about petty people ana petty things. If you don't have anything nice to say or love to give, get to steppin. Your judgement and your trash don't belong here and ain't nobody got time to deal with your obvious issues. - cuz they ain't mine. 

So. What am I doing these days?

• Carrying a baby(s) for some special people in my life. 
• Working for the best children's charity in the world. 
• Raising 3 beautiful girls. 
• Directing production for Highpoint church
• Serving on the executive board of Hernando band boosters
• Being the best mom I can be. Always. 

Hope if you are reading this - you are well. I hope you know you are loved. And if you want to talk or ask questions, comment below. I'd love to connect. 

Feeling all the FEELS

I'm feeling as if I just discovered the biggest answer to the biggest questions... ever...

I'm an emotional person. I feel surges of emotion that bring me to tears (both good and sad), laughter, protection, etc... on a regular basis - at minimum, daily. For me to deny this or to hide this would make me disingenuous and that is one of the worst things to be, in my humble opinion.

While i know a lot of people will feel that this brings 'drama', and 'drama' is something I would love to stay as far away as possible... I really feel this is where some of my protective, caring tendencies come from.

I like to feel all the good feels... what can i say...

This also makes me the person who is sensitive to the actions of others. As much as I wish I could ignore all the jack A's of this world, and the mean things that people do, sometimes it's hard when to, especially if the person being so ugly to you is someone you love and/or hold dear to your heart.

I encourage people who may be similar to me to not worry when you feel the feels... It's OK. Its who you are. You can only control you...

what is REALLY required?

my bestest friend in the world got married last weekend. she had the most beautiful wedding. it was such a sweet time with her and their families. and I think she married a wonderful man. Some people were pretty surprised to see I have been so OK with her marrying him but folks, he already knows that she was my wife first. (I have said for MANY MANY YEARS that I wanted a wife because a good man is so hard to find, and I did in her). but he knows... she'll always be my wife. but I couldn't be happier that he is her husband. :)

all this marriage stuff had me thinking, what is really required? what do people look for in a spouse to see if they're qualified?

the answer I really found was people don't... that's why there's so many damn divorces. people with no character doing whatever the wind blows to them...

but I did have a lot of time to reflect on my own failing. and my inability to stand up for what I know to be right and know to be BIG FAT RED FLAGS... how does someone like me, however, allow someone to crap all over me? it's something I really myself don't understand. all I can tell you is a took a gamble because I believed the words and I LOST. I lost big. but I'm a decent enuf human to admit that I allowed it and I have to accept that.

so what is really required to say if someone worthy enuf?
decent dresser?
good in bed?
knows how to cook?

you know it's different for every person. bet you thought I was going to tell you what you should think, huh? HA! not even a little bit of a chance. but I do think you need to know what is important to you and thus decide accordingly. and DON'T ACCEPT CRAP FOR A SECOND. don't compromise on what is valuable to you or what you deem as a deal breaker. because no one, not even your spouse, will value you more than yourself, no matter how much you want to believe their words.

YOU are the only one who can take care of YOU. point. blank. period.

Q. what is really required?  A. whatever you can't live without.

new endings? or new beginnings?

It's been what... 4 years since i've blogged. May be time to break my silence. 
It would take me about 5 days straight of blogging to begin to tell you all what has changed in the last 4 years, but maybe i can sum it up... 

I let someone crap on me. 
I rebelled. 
I let another someone crap on me. 
And i took it. 
I married said second person. 
I took more crap. 
I had a beautiful baby girl. 
I continued to let said second crappy person crap on me more. 
and now I'm here. 

why am I airing my dirty laundry here and crying about the fact that I allowed this to happen to me, do you ask? 

it's because there's so much more to life than making bad decisions. you have to learn how to put your big girl panties on, take one for the team and realize that God can turn any mess into your message and Thank God for the good times as well as the bad. and be THANKFUL for them too. 

So. here's a quick pic of my midgets. They're precious beyond measure... 

The Randomness of my new job... :)

Ok... so if you don't like hearing about how God works in mysterious ways, I'm going to warn you now to read no further... because this story is totally about how I knew I was going to get this job....

Around January of this year, I was informed at Accredo that was going to doing layoffs in conjunction with their 'Scaling for growth' effort. It was right when I heard about these new efforts, I knew when the layoffs hit my department, I would be the first one to go. I knew this because 2 months after i took the job, the previous January, my project i was hired for was cut... I was the obvious choice... I started looking for another job almost immediately... I had been looking, but kicked it up significantly.

As time went on, I started telling ppl i worked with that I knew I would be part of the layoff efforts. I didn't think overall it was personal, but I also knew my director wasn't my biggest fan. I suggested we started taking bets as to when the layoffs would be and to the fact that I would be the first to go.

About 2-3 weeks before March, I was contacted by a headhunter about a possible position that was open and was told they wanted to move fast. I was completely OK with it! I worked out to make sure I could go to the job interviews even in close week at my current job and I just had the feeling after I left the interview that I had that job. I also knew that the layoffs were coming quickly at Accredo. I was completely ok and even happy with the fact that I 'somehow' knew that I would be laid off. It was never confirmed to me... but I knew... and I was at TOTAL peace about it.

So after this interview (for a job, mind you, where i would be in REAL IT, and have a lot of work to do, potential to be a director in a year and have an instant increase).... i started getting that feeling ' outta nowhere' that I would be laid off and I would have a job to go to... eventually. I actually told some of my close friends from Accredo that I knew it would be me... i knew....

The week of the layoff.... first week of March... I knew I had that job... God gave me such peace about everything... i KNEW the layoff would happen that week too... again... 'just knew'.

I went into work on Wednesday March 6th.... I knew it was gonna be the day. The day before I had the overwhelming feeling that Wednesday would be the layoff day... I just felt like i had that other job, but I knew I wouldn't know either way about that job before the layoffs. I was still at TOTAL PEACE. and this... seriously... this I can only say is by the Grace of God...

Because what happened: i got laid off wednesday morning.  and i was ALL SMILES... :) I had a 6 week severance package from Accredo. I could not have been happier about that layoff. I was very unhappy with my job there simply because I would not doing what I was hired to do or what my skillset was. I was so ready for a change...

I knew that I was not going to have a job when I was laid off that morning at 10:30am. And I was happy. Went to starbucks, went and had lunch with my bestie... I processed things, got a tentative plan, went home and started to unpack a little... Completely at peace. Friends were over, visiting, playing thru the events... Then i sat down... around 230pm. I thought... how am I going to take care of my kids? It hit me then. How will I pay for my kids... ? wow.... really... ??? I have no job. I started at this point to not be 100% ok. I was thinking... 'OK, God. you told me I wouldn't have a job when I got Laid off but how long will I go? and something had told me, 3pm, that day.... I didn't know what was going to happen, but i knew 3pm.... Over and Over.... and around 3:10pm i got the phone call from the headhunter with the offer from the company! they wanted me to start immediately. HUGE increase. AND i had a vacay scheduled already that i had paid for around Easter that I had approved already too. And of course I accepted. This was what I was told would happen... and it happened exactly as such! I get a 6wk severance and a new job... all in the same day!

When has this ever happened before... that a majority has seen??? And I believe... God prepared me for this. I was prepared for this to happen. In just this way. I am a blessed woman....

The Randomness of Random pt 29

I thought it'd be a good time to write... the last 3 months has been jam packed with the most emotional time of my entire life i believe....

job...
boyfriend...
getting rid of dead weight...
Memphis Floods...
Dad...

I still put this one in the 'random' category because i don't know what i want to get off my chest, more.  i am a hodge-podge of feelings... angry. sad. glad. happy. scared. confused. ambivalent. guarded..... so so so very guarded... and a bit of peace, only because God has given me that... Lord knows it's not because i am choosing it. hahaha!

tonight i'm more sad than anything.... I want things to so normal because i don't want to deal with someone giving me their condolences again and me start crying on cue. but the other part of me welcomes the well wishes of peace and graciousness because i am still so very sad... i feel like a stupid emotional girl who has no idea how she feels. and i guess to an extent that is true. but i always am able to figure out how i feel when i pull back and look at the big picture... but that's so hard to do right now.... so i'm just a stupid emotional girl. and i can barely even stand myself.

my grandma is amazingly wonderful. she tries to keep things normal. and i appreciate it.

I'll talk about more of this later. i still have to talk about how i got the new job!!!! wow... forever since i've written!!!! :S

pic of the new bf for you all tonight. :) silly one from our trip to NOLA with the Fielders Gang. :)

The Randomness of Random pt 28

You know when you're in a situation and you think... I could do this (xxxxx) whatever 'this' may be... And I could effect the situation in 'this' way and make it so 'this'... Blah blah blah. Sometimes just KNOWING you could do it, whatever it is, is enuf. Sometimes just knowing you could get around that 18wheeler on the highway is enuf to satisfy you and not encourage you to take the big risk... Sometimes knowing you could hurt someone's feeling so bad it would devastate you is enough to keep you from acting a fool and embarrassing yourself to no end.. sometimes knowing you could make a bet and win and subsequently take all the persons money if you wanted to is enuf to actually not do it and really see the impact you can make on someone. Good or bad.

So how often does this stop us? How often do you stop and consider the impact you will have one someone? How often do you stop and consider the consequences of your actions?

Today I was making a right hand turn and was coming up behind 2 big dump trucks. I knew i could floor it and zoom around both of them if I wanted to an draw a lot of attention to myself and prob scare those dump truck drivers. But I didn't do it. I knew I would probably scare them and make them nervous. I chose to be patient and wait. And for me that would be the road less traveled. But how often do YOU choose this road? How often do you take a step back, consider the big picture and evaluate? How often are you considering how you will impact that person you're abt to deal w?

On this Valentines day... Let's consider others... Let's be good to those we see, love, and have in our lives.

Happy day of awareness... Whatever your awareness is. :)

The Randomness of Random pt 27

I watched the movie "Social Network" last nite, i went ahead and bought it because i was sure i would want to own it. I am so glad i did buy it, it indeed was one of the best films I've seen in a long time. i also saw "Black Swan" a couple weeks ago, that was also really really awesome!!! I'm glad both of them are up for academy awards this year.

In watching Social Network, though, it made me look at Facebook differently... but it also made me think about what i was doing, what was I going to do to make a difference in this world? How was I going to make a morbidly epic mark on life in general? I used to have such huge dreams for my life... being a missionary living in India, working for a church/missions program, moving far far away from Memphis, in General, and it seems like all i have done lately is focus on the present, what is at hand, and not the big picture. I've always been a 'big picture' kinda person, seeing beyond what is right in front of my face, seeing the whole... seeing beyond the now... however, that movie made me realize that I have to get my big focus back, that I need to make points to see beyond.... and so as some of you may have noticed that i have posted on my FB page that 2011, I WILL travel more, i will make points to see my friends and visit with those i love and miss dearly. I am even more inspired now to think bigger, thing better, think EPIC....

what are you going to do today to make a mark on this world? I know i often focus on the Christian perspective, but for general conversational purposes... what are YOU going to do?

The Randomness of Random pt 26

My heart is full of sadness. My future is full of excitement. My children are full of promise. My life is full of God, friends, love and fun. And yet... My heart weeps so... I had such high hopes for this year of 2011. 11 is indeed my lucky #. :) it's my number of coincidence and correlation. It's supposed to be my year. My. Year. And it's now just.... I have no words to describe what I feel. And I have no idea... I just Have no ideas. All I do know, I will make it. God doesn't bring u to anything He won't get u thru.






Here's a pic from our apts from Sunday night. A night of beautiful snow. :)

The Randomness of Random pt 25

25Inspiration has escaped me lately. I've been in a constant state of numbness. And I'm not sure when it will end.

Life keeps us busy. Both my girls have birthdays in December so this is a busy busy time for us. It's good, just BROKE! Ha!! But Santa is comin soon. We are in Houston. The time is bittersweet. I thought instead of writing about my time in Houston again I'd write about the things I have learned and what is worth note:
It's so important to focus on the good things in life. Why are you so darn critical of everyone and everything... ???
The 'you's' are proverbial.
If you have not family, what do you have? (family is not defined by blood either)
These are in no sequential order.
Sometimes.... You just gotta laugh.
I heart Mexican food, I've had it every day!
If you can't be comfortable w your fam, who CAN you be comfortable with?
Facebook isn't essential. :)
Make the most of what you have, even if others dont.
Just because you don't like me doesn't mean I Have to not like you.
If is not Abt what is behind you or what is in front of you... It's all abt the ride there.
I don't have to forgive what you did, but I do have to forgive you. (reminder to self)
Sometimes you just HAVE to let others help you... Ditch the pride ppl.
Your problem isn't necessarily my problem, but I will help you.
It's ok to not say ANYTHING... Sometimes.
Cherry coke zero is amazing.
There is nothing More perfect Than your baby only wanting you.
I'm not judged on YOUR opinion.
Rest is necessary.
Humor can only cover up so much.
My grandmother is an angel.

I'm sure there's more but there ya go. :)

Scrooge or not the Scrooge... That is the question.

It's so weird... I am actually getting into the Christmas spirit. Everything going on should be making me the Scrooge. But I'm actually thinking abt putting up my tree when I get hm Tuesday. I even bought more ornaments!!! Crazy, huh!!??!!

It's not a life that anyone would ask for, but it's the life God is blessing me with, and that is an optimistic outlook, a solid good hearted nature and hope. Hope that He will make the best of this life in His way and in His time. And with all going on, I know this is all for His will. And who am I to question the All-Mighty?

So I will keep on with what He provides and be blessed and try as hard as I can to do what He needs me to do. It's not an easy road He called for me but it is the road He chose for me and I have no doubt it's the best one.

So... Merry Christmas folks. Happy thanksgiving. Happy Hanukkah. Happy new year. Happy QuanzaChristmakah, whatev makes ur heart happy. :) I wish you a great Celebration of life, love and loved ones. And hope. Hope for you and yours.



- Posted using BlogPress from the Aubs iPhone

Where I've been...

I know it's been about a month since I've written a blog and I'm not sure if some of you wonder why. So, I thought this drive I'm on would be a good time to explain whats been happening.

The short of it, my dad is dying. In all transparency, he's an alcoholic and is trying to speed up his last few days I think. I'm currently sitting in the back seat of my gmas car as she drives me to his house so i can see what's left of him. I was told he looks nothing like who he was even 4 months ago, virtually unrecognizable. And I'm scared of what I'm to expect.

Were abt an hour outside Houston and ready I see oil wells, man I miss home.

I haven't known what to do abt this situation w my dad... Were not close and it's solely bc of his drinking. And even Now, as in the past, he pushes away anyone who wants to help him, he's mean to ppl and won't listen to anyone. He thinks he knows best, as he always has done that and almost always is wrong, when ppl are just trying to help this ungrateful unhappy man.

It's so hard for me to be sympathetic to someone who wont help himself and purposefully put himself in this situation. I do not want to help him. But the part in me that values family and considers 'will I regret this later?' makes me go out here to see him. He doesn't deserve it and I shouldn't spend time nor money on someone who doesn't care abt me really but he's my father. I have to. He won't be here much longer and I'm not going to have a regret abt this...

I don't talk much abt my personal life but... As Paul Harvey says, now you know the rest of the story.

I have a great family (other side of the family) as I have written about before, my grandma is the closest thing to a guardian angel that anyone could get to. Without her, I don't know where I'd be. And in the holiday time and this difficult time, I'm so thankful for her. She let's me deal in my own ways and is very non-judgmental.

Find something unexpected to be thankful for. We all have beautiful amazing things in our life that are due their appreciation so I encourage you to find the shiny specks around you, big and small, that keep you going. It's a grateful time to be alive.




- Posted using BlogPress from the Aubs iPhone

The Randomness of Random Pt 24

Every time i hear Pink Floyd's 'Wish You Were Here', oh how it evokes the deepest feelings that i think are buried deep down in the pit of my stomach that I won't see for a very very long time...

It makes me sad and nostalgic and just so uber openly contemplative. i get this sense of open mindedness, like i'm drifting, hovering, looking at my life from the big open perspective in the sky. it's almost a supernatural experience, but so not......

Anyhoo. I love this song. it's one of my all time favorite songs... EVER.

I have to say, as well.... It's so much better to have the big picture perspective of your life rather than a short termed tunnel vision setting. i feel... safer. I have a drive and ambition and persistance... It's amaznig secure to know that where i am now isn't where I'm gonna be. And it enables me to make better decisions. I thank God that He gave me the ability to look beyond the right now into the 'what will be'. I now need to get rid of the procrastination part of me and get to moving to that part of 'what will be'!!!! I'm so happy about the decisions I've made lately.

The Randomness of Random pt 23

This is just a reminder for all you who are passionate and thrive on self improvement...

Remember that when God tells you 'no' about something, it's not always a bad thing. I have to remember when I get that sense of rejection that it's not necessarily a personal thing... Sometimes it's God shielding us from unnecessary hurt, pain, trauma/drama, or something worse... Sometimes the 'no' is a protective maneuver from the Big Man above.

Don't take rejection personal. "It's not you, it's me..." Sometimes it really isn't you.... but then again... sometimes it is. Learn to discern the difference. Change those things about you that you don't like. Improve on the things you do. And Pray to know how to recognize the difference.

Much Love!!!

The Randomness of Random Pt. 22

why do we want what we want when we want it?
Do you ever ponder the mechanics of interestingness? What makes you interested in something and then, to go even further in it, what keeps you interested in something? Its like... fire. who's NOT interested in fire? We see fire and we stare at it most times, providing not a house fire and no lives are at stake, we could easily just stare into flames, into what it is, the colors, the embers.... then we like to play with it. we know it could hurt us if we let it... we know it can be dangerous, but we do it still the same, none the less, without even caring. but why? why are we so interested in something that can be dangerous and hurt us?

Do you see a great analogy here? do you see a correlation here to why we even go into a relationship, with anyone... with our friends. trusting our family. falling in love... why??? they're all dangerous, or present a possibility for it. they're all carrying a probability of being hurt in some way at some point in time. but we do it without question usually. why are we interested in developing relationship? why are we interested in certain ppl and not in others? why.... great questions you all ask...

In order to understand our own interestingness, you must in turn come to an understanding with yourself and be ok with the 'self realization' you will have when you discover the things you do and don't like. and you have to be OK with what you see... this self discovery is crucial to the understanding phase of why we do what we do and why we want what we want. do you know this is probably one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do.... Being honest with yourself and accepting that it's truth. But once you can do this, you can become the person you want to be. you can change what you don't like about yourself and you can be a happier person.

So... why do we like what we like? i find it usually comes to self preservation. why do i want it when i want it (usually now) because 'das how we roll....

The Randomness of Random pt 21

Have you ever considered Scrabble to be a great analogy for life!?

If you have a smart phone or friends with someone who does, you may have heard the buzz over the last year about words with friends, an Internet based scrabble game you can play with random ppl or your own friends. I started playing this game earlier in the year, as i do often try to delay jumping on band waggons 'just because' until i see the benefits and costs of each situation. After beginning to play, however, i found it does become addictive, mostly bc i can be somewhat competitive... (i must get that from my mom for sure... ;)

So, I def can hold my own in this game... i do have a knack in finding combination words and i wondered why am i good at this game? Does it have any correlation on the way i view life? bc, think about it... scrabble is in essence a game of chance, if you play your tiles right. it's all about taking what you have and making the best of it. sometimes you win. sometimes you lose, but it FOR SURE is all about how you play the game. If you don't try to find the bonus plays, by making multiple words, you won't succeed. if you don't ride out those double word or double letter or triple play tiles you won't win. its all about looking at the big picture, strategizing, getting the biggest bang for your buck and hoping and praying the opponent doesn't try to hit you when you're down.

who thought Scrabble could be such an amazing analogy for life!!!!
before you play, take a step back and consider, is there another avenue that is going to take me farther? and are there any bonus plays i can get to make my move more successful? it's amazing how far we can go here.....

Enjoy my beautiful people!!! PLAY SOME WORDS! HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHANNAN (Right)!

The Randomness of Random pt 20

Is it always when you least expect things to happen that they do? So many things, good and bad, have happened lately and of course I’m not expecting them to happen at all! But alas they do… and it’s not always a bad deal. Sometimes the things you need are the thing that hurt the most… Like the song says from The Fray – All at once, ‘We’d never know what’s wrong without the pain. Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same…’

That song means so much to me in 1000 different ways… I’m so the least from perfect. I see that all the time. I am 100% not the best ever. But one thing I know from experience… anytime I let go of something I want so much but know I need the like a hole in the head… I get something so much more amazing and wonderful from it!!!!! God, it’s amazing… saying that to say… you have to be mature enuf and have enuf faith to know when you do the very things that you know you need to, whether it be from God or whatever you believe, the blessing you have awaiting yourself is going to knock your socks off, babe… truly blow your mind.

“Momma, I’m coming home!”

The Randomness of Random pt 19

Power is a privilege not to be abused. Have you ever sat back and considered in a logical/hypothetical way... What would i do if i could do anything... ? I thot abt that but abt what would anyone would do, today. I wondered abt this because we have so many rules now abt HIPPA now and privacy acts, that you have to be very discerning with employees these days bc most ppl, in Memphis, don't have firm morals or values. Most ppl will break laws or vows if it will benefit them in some microscopic way.... It's sad.

This did, however, led me to deeper insight... and I guess that's why Jesus was the only one able to be trusted w miraculous powers such as being all knowing and all controlling for this matter. Bc He wouldn't abuse the privilege, He's the only superhero that is infallible.

Deep thought....

- Posted using BlogPress from the Aubs iPhone

The Randomness of Random pt 18

If any of you had any idea how many random thoughts i come across in one day, it quite possibly might blow your mind.

Today, it hit me that one day, i quite possibly will lose my grandma one day. The lady that i have looked up to my entire life. The only person in my entire family that rarely fails me, that never stopped believing in me, that has supported me without question since the day i was known about.... just THINKING about if ever she isn't here made me develop tears while sitting in my desk at work. I know she doesn't want to read this but. i could never fathom a day that she doesn't know how much i love her....

I know there are so many of you out there with amazing families who are so tightly knit that you all live on the same block practically and do everything together and blah blah... but as the proverbial they says... to be loved by one person in your lifetime, you shall call yourself blessed. I am more than blessed....

AND... she's a Facebook pro and one hell of a poker player... how many of you have Meme's who can sit and have a drink with you and kick your butt in poker and take all your money!? (that's why i always ask her to borrow $5 before we play.... ;)

The Randomness of Random pt 17

Forgive me for the delay in posting... there are so many things that have happened over the summer that have and are changing my life. dramatically. It's been quite... exhausting.

So I know i've written about how much i drive and how i think when i drive and it's good time for me to rumble thru all the random thoughts in my head.... but one day i was driving (like a bat outta hades, as usual) and i saw an analogy about relationships with driving... how they're so similar. When you are driving there's a method to getting thru traffic. sometimes you can go in and get straight thru, no problem, no hold ups, you just zoom zoom zoom thru... everything falls into the right place and you break thru the crowd and you get on the road with nothing on either side of you. it's just there... you... alone... cruising! and those drives are great. no huge bumps, easy-peasy, but sometimes you have road blocks and big huge trucks in the way and you have to start using your head and thinking thru what you are going to do and plan ahead and work your magic to get thru it. And BE PATIENT!! (that's a 4 letter word for me...)

Just like anything that we do, you have to know how to act and you have to think about the things you do in order to get the desired outcomes you want.

Anticipate your next steps.
Stay on the road and keep yourself and other drivers safe.
Pass on the inside when you need to but be aware it can bite u big time in a curve.

My car.... :)