I'm Finding Myself... and i see the trend!

This week has been crazy... and good! I've finally been getting back into the swing of things.

Lots of stuff is coming to mind tho, that i really do have to be careful who i let into my life. People don't realize how significant the power of those you allow to speak into your life actually have over you! I thought i could handle it, handle things, handle my self, handle my life... but the key here: i thought I could do this... i can't do this... i can't handle my life. i can't handle my self. i can't control others, i can't control anything in my life. the only thing i can control is letting go of my life, myself, my control and letting God have His will over my life. There was a song sung today, "I give myself away... " I've said it before and I'll say it again... my life is not my own... I choose to lay myself down for my God. and I was never more happy to hear that song today. bc it renews my choice. it reminds me... that I do belong to someone. I do belong to the most important, greatest cause in the world! I belong to the most high, the most magnificent, the most spectacular being! I belong to the Most High God! and for that... i could not be more happy!!!! it's MY CHOICE! it's my decision. and i gladly lay my life down for His Will... ahhhh... it's coming back. i'm coming back. i'm finding myself!!!!!!!!!!! Ahhh... that's just it... i'm finding myself again. Finding why i have done what i've done. made the sacrifices that I've made. why i have wanted to become the person i'm becoming. why I choose to die to myself. aaahhhh... that's it!

i must become the person God has called me to be. because as we see... any time i veer off the course He has set for me, anytime i divert and take the beaten paths, i'm not happy. it's not fulfilling, it's not fruitful and I suffer in vain. for things that will not make me happy, for people who will only hurt me, for things that will only make me sad. it doesn't bring me joy. and what does... any time i follow God's will for my life. i see joy come into my life again. i see happiness on my face, i feel it in my heart. i see it in my soul and i find the fruit on my tree. any one else besides me see a trend!!??? wow... and i rejoice in this. i rejoice in it any time that I or anyone i know or hear about FINDS themself in Him... in the only One who can help them. amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!

woot!!!

Ok. so now. lets catch up. I'm going to Houston, my home town, for thanksgiving. I'm SO SO SO SO EXCITED! i've not been this excited to travel down there in a long time! and now... i'm stoked! i miss my family so much!!! Since we've been on facebook, we've been communicating so much the last couple of months. and i'm so happy that i will get to see them soon! it's great! i leave Tuesday and then fly back the following Tuesday. long trip down! but.. it's going to be awesome... can you tell... i'm SO EXCITED! woot!!

I went to Life Church today. it was so so so good to see my friends. I miss them so much... I got to see Buddy and Stacie this week! that was FAB-U-LOUS!!! woohoo! i love them like i love my family. they will always be part of my family. I hung with Andy and Brandy, another set of siblings, who lovingly take care of me when i'm down or when i'm sick. I'm truly blessed.... i mean... for reals... who else, when living uprooted from their family, has so many ppl that they can call when they need something. these are people who i know will lay down everything if i tell them i need them NOW. I hung with Jeff, i get to see Kirsti tomorrow... i went to lunch with some amazing people today! wow... i LOVE MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and my cousin is gonna have a baby ANY DAY! WOOOOOOOHOOOOOO!!! Scarlett will be here soon!

see... that's what i'm talkin about. i've waited forever to say this... i've waited many many days... and i do.. i LOVE my LIFE!!!! i'm putting in some pics i've taken of another AMAZING family i'm blessed to know. they're truly beautiful, inside and out. it's awesome... I have the privlidge of taking pictures of people... i LOVE THIS JOB! this is without a doubt God bringing me my heart's desire... agian... how blessed am i!!!!????

find the love in your life... and tell me about it!

if today was the last day...

My status update for today: what if today could be the day. today could be the best day. ever wonder if today was going to be the last day to have a day, to make someone ones day, to be in someones way...

i always hear that question "what if today was your last day..." and i've thought about it occasionally, what would i do if today was going to be my last day... what would i do? where would my loyalties lie, who would i want to see, spend my last moments with, where would i want to depart? i've thought, from time to time, do i want to be alone? I am honestly a very independant person and i DEFINITELY need my own space, but it's more and more apparent to me now, that i do also crave companionship. and why? i refuse to ever be dependant on another human being again, but... i do admit that dealing with 2 little girls all the time, having an adult around consistently is quite nice.

i have thought of so many good blogs lately, but haven't had time to write. i think this needs to change and stay changed.

so... lets catch up, shall we?

i've got paying gigs now for photography! woohoo! and i have to admit, i'm pretty inexpensive... but i LOVE it so much. it's more for my pleasure than for the cash... but it's a HUGE accomplishment!! :) i've got great subjects tho! ;)

went to Waco... i will write about that later. HUGELY AMAZING AND WONDERFUL TIME! i felt like a huge weight came off my shoulders when i came back.

work... sucks.

male species: hhmmm, try again.

haven't seen any good movies... but i want to! lots that i want to see!

Church... well... i think i'm gonna move.

ok. so... what if it was your last day and you knew it was your last day (doing whatever, being whatever, living whatever)... where would you go... what would you do... how would you finish it?

if it seems too good to be true... it probably is!

wow... what a week, what a month... what an ordeal!

it doesn't seem like it's at all real, what all has transpired this last month. and the only thing i can say is that i was bamboozled! ha!! i was pretty guarded and did it the way i was supposed to... but then i messed up. i trusted the wrong thing. against all cognitive reasonable thought... i trusted... and while i know that to never trust a person is not the way to do it... i am being proven otherwise by people. all around me... all the time. and i know this isn't my battle!!! but... man... did i just miss that mark or what.

i thought my job was too good to be true. i thought i had a boss who supported me and would remain on my side only to have that 100% turned around in my face and made me fully intend on walking out, which we know isn't the answer.  but now I'm seeing patience and guarding my every emotion and feeling and know it will definitely protect me physically and emotionally but also make it so much easier to be disappointed.

then... i was lied to. misled. or at least thats how it feels. proving to me even more so that i must guard my heart... above all else!!! just like the word says. you just can't trust people. and why? no, you don't do things to deserve it. no matter how many times you replay your decisions, right, wrong or indifferent, you DO NOT deserve it... and i tell the ones who hurt me this as much as i tell myself. you don't deserve to be treated poorly. but you have no right to dishonor or disrespect anyone else either.

I know you get what you reap. but I don't wish anything bad on those who wrong me. from my childhood to now... i honestly do not. but i can't help the fact that God can provide a better revenge than any one person can. and i while i hope that i will also not get it as bad as i give it, i hope the same for those who wrong me.

God says to thank Him still in times of trouble. Oh how i love iorny... Thank Him in times of tribulation (James 1:2-3). Because you are in the midst of being pruned... God is not a God who wastes his time! only those who are called will be tried. You will be tested... 1Peter 1:5-7. We should be thankful that we are not overlooked. we should be thankful that we are deemed worthy!! we should thank God that he cares so much to get all in our business to correct us!!! We are called... I am called. God has called me for such a bigger purpose than to be hurt and dismayed or in dispair. He has a higher calling for me. and i will be thankful for the lessons, that He does NOT give up on me! Oh how sweet it is that if I fail, and we know I did... that He will bring me closer to Him even more so and care enuf about me to get right up in there and teach me. Psalm 66:10-14. In the trials, He refines us, like purifying silver... while we go thru the depts of dispair, we will praise His name... I am far from perfect and I am definitely not the best example... but I know God is with me... Psalm 34:17 and i know God will not give up on me, for He directs my paths...

Abraham... Genesis 22... I am willing to Sacrifice, only b/c God told me to.

With that, I am so guarded as to who i give attention to. While i know i'm not better than the other, i care enough about what God has called me to that I don't want to get off track. And having someone who gets that (or makes you think they do) and understand... that if i give you my time, it's because you really are extraordinary too, then to find out it's totally false... it is disheartening. And violating. and i don't like to beleive that any of it could be true. which is why i know that God has a huge plan for all the things that happen. it's all for a reason.

Its so not over.

the laugh...

I heard a laugh today for the first time in a long while... I think someone's real and genuine laugh can be an expression of hope; a token of excitement and forward looking, a breath of fresh air. Such a welcomed sound... :) oh how i have missed it!!!

Who would have thought that college football is something that i have MISSED?? it's amazing what you can do when you have time to watch TV. i forgot how much I really like football... amazing!!!

Check out these beautiful pics! Some from a trip i took recently... this little girl just stole my heart. she was so sweet and fun!!! Just a joy to shoot and she reminds me so much of my family... just a doll!

Went to Devils Den St park in NorthWest AR. I will deny it till the day i die, but i think i actually miss living in AR. i miss the mountains!!!! i miss the ppl there now... but these pics are just a little of the fun i had!

More trips to come, i'm sure!

trial and error

When all else fails, there really IS trial and error...

But what I'm learning in life is:

• You don't make as many mistakes as you think you do... and even if you do, who cares!!! if they love you for who you are, your mistakes aren't really going to matter in the long run, so they won't dwell on them either, so why do you!?
  
• you won't get anywhere if you don't let go of the past, especially if it's more than 10 yrs ago... and forgive and forget... for reals. you can't see where you're going if you're constantly trying to drag up where you've been


• you gotta give trust to get it. No matter what... you won't move a bit forward if you don't trust someone... just TRUST SOMEONE!


• Just because you're scared doesn't mean you can't step out on faith. and even if you do get hurt... pain can be a good thing! without it, how do you really know you're human? Pain may not be necessary, at all... but I'll take a little pain and get some joy, happiness and possibly a life long of blessings to go thru it for a minute.


• God doesn't give up on me... I'm so thankful that even thru all my mistakes, God doesn't give up... He never ever gives up. but He still loves me to give me these blessings!! To bestow upon me gifts of life!! gift of Joy! He still gives me the desires of my heart!!!!

AHH you guys... it's a new day... a new era... and I'm happy to take the chances... :) more pics will come later. :) Maybe in a couple of weeks.

Been too long....

It's been so long since I have written about anything. Part of that is because even I didn't know what is going on in my life. And part is it's hard to write about.

The important thing here is that I and my family are happy, healthy and doing great. But I have had to make some rough decisions lately an even some that I really don't know why yet, I do know God is showing me very clearly what He needs from me and I am, in blind faith, obeying.
I know this step in my life is going to be physically alone, but spiritually healing, rewarding and freeing. I am going to find that next step in my life that will lead to freedom, hope and my calling that God has showed me He has for me. But this step I'm in now... It's pretty hard. It's tumultuous. This time is the hardest I've begun since my divorce.

But, on the good side, I've updated my resume, I've begun reading a new book, I'm purposing to have time with God and writing in a new journal regularly and I'm doing what I can to not seclude myself from those who God has put into my life to put me on His track again. That's probably the hardest part right know.
Derek did come home for a 2 week R&R visit and we got to see him, which was such a happy, happy time. And there's just no words for what time with him means to me. And seeing my family is HUGE. It's such a great time and when I don't get to see them regularly, it makes me mad that I can't be around them more. It makes me really max and hurt that they don't come here or make efforts to spend time with us, especially knowing I and the girls love them and enjoy them so much.

Part of this new phase: to acknowledge what I feel, know that those feelings are real, good - bad - indifferent, and not suppress them, to work thru them. Just because there's things that make u mad or hurt u doesn't mean u act like it's not real - face it. Deal with it. Figure it out and learn n move on! This is what God did. This is what he calls us to do. Us being successful in this is exactly how we help others. This is how we work to help God heal. Ppl are hurt and wounded. Let's help this world. Let's be there for ppl.


Will post pics later folks. :) there's some good ones!

Ch-Ch-Changes...

You know, i've always loved changes in my life... usually, they've always been for the better. Sometimes, of course not, but as i said today, to my special someone, i am the person i've become b/c of all the things i've gone thru, good and bad. I love the trials, and it even says in the bible to thank God in times of trouble and trial, Romans 5:3-5, because this is how God creates in us the character he needs for us to carry out what He has called us to do. So... to make the long story short, as James 1 says, I thank God in times of trials... I thank God when I'm faced with temptation and toil because I know God is making me into who He needs. So... with that, know i welcome changes. Know i welcome a good challenge, for that will never leave me bold, i will never quit growing, i will never quit learning, i will NEVER quit improving who I am or let go of what God has touched me with, with the dreams, with the Passion, with the calling He has laid upon me.

I welcome the changes in my life, I welcome this change. I have had to make some promises, some sacrifices, commitments, but as with the rest of what I've said above... i see my future full of opprotunity. and I look forward to more substantial changes to come!

Jasmin is playing softball! It's her first year, but she's doing great, even says her coach! :) I'm looking forward to watching her play! :)

On a good note, i've heard from my brother in Iraq. he's doing good, doesn't have much to do there, but he's making it. As good as can be expected, i think.

I'm making another trip up north at the end of May.... it can NOT get here soon enuf!!! I can not wait!!!! not at all. "That is definitely NOT going to happen"... Anyhoo... one of my MEM bff's will be there, on a seperate trip, will be there at the same time i am! :) so i'm really looking forward to blending the worlds. :) For now, I will be happy to listen to random conversations about cars and boats G-money. ;)

OH! and i had a HUGE breakthru at work!!! :) i'm so happy!!! Friday finished on a great note! that one breakthru made the last 3 weeks worth it. :):):) 3 of the hardest weeks i've ever had at work.

see all these smilies! :) "Hmm, puzzling..." ha! good times, my friend... good times!!! and now you're caught up.

should i stay or should i go...

The Clash... maybe they've had it figured out all along. the ultimate question. Should I Stay or Should I Go? The answer to this question can fill so many voids of endless wonder. The Clash... they had it...

Do you ever wonder about how to make decisions? The decision making process? Which is right and wrong? Do you or don't you? Should you or no? Will you or do you decline? Sooo many decisions... Should I stay or should I go?

There is a process to making decisions. And like i have learned in DR, the main key, at least for me, is to rely on the only true rock known... God. but i do believe God gives us tools in order to make decisions, especially when you don't feel you've heard the voice of God speak. Obviously, starting with the Word of God, next, I know God gives us influential people, who are soundly grounded in His word and will for their life, that you can rely on. He gives us people for us to seek counsel from. And... this... this is huge for me. Because i have such great friends, who love God and seek His will constantly, and i love them all. And, even still, i don't know... should i stay or should i go? will i or won't i? should i or don't i? can i or not????? the ultimate question, the ultimate answer... is still unknown for me.

But one thing is sure - if the question impacts two lives, i think it should always be made by two people. And in one united front, for the greater good of all involved. And if all agree, it can only be the best for everyone. And knowing this, knowing that my decisions are made for the best interests of all involved, and all things being reviewed and considered, uttermost concerning what I believe God to be telling me for my life... i know we can't go wrong. My walk today was great. The conversation was even better. Its great how a nice walk outside can really help you clear the air, clear your mind, get back in touch with what matters. Talking, albeit over-rated, can help tremendously.

I had a root canal done, just for anyone wondering from my crazy facebook posts lately. I had a botched crown put on last year that came loose, i changed dentists, just to find out i had to get a root canal done. I was prescribed some medicine that i didn't take with food each and every time i was supposed to take it, but in the middle of the night, i took some meds, blacked out, passed out on my bed and woke up in the morning throwing up. Now... why am i sharing? you should ALWAYS FOLLOW THE PRESCRIPTION!!! if it says to take with food, do it, but do it properly.

ok, now i'm done being mom. Enjoy the pics, rely on what you can trust. follow the rules. (yes, i suck for telling you to follow the rules... ;)

home, sweet, wait, where?

I'm home...
.... uh,....
............
Yay? well, yay... nope... lets go back... Can i go back?

I am home. I would love to go back to Minnesota for another few days, weeks, months, pretty much until November, the end of Nov, after birthdays have come and gone, and then i would come home till it got warm again. Yep, that's about right. If i could bring my girls and my church with me, i'd be back up there today. yep... oh, and Kirsti and Sonya too... and all the media team, of course, i said church and all of DR, geezzzeee... can i just uproot all my peeps in the city? you'd all LOVE Minneapolis/St. Paul area!! i promise!!!


yay... :l


lets go back! :) i'll tell you the whole story...


i met someone new. and i know you all are going to think i'm crazy... but i did... i met a male. he's got a very dark shade to his hair. He's got the CUTEST most handsome face i've ever seen... he's not as tall as most, but he definitely can pull off what he does have. I call him 'G-dawg' but most of you would not. b/c he doesn't like just anyone...


of course he does... look at his cute little puppy dog face!!! :) he's my new running buddy... Let me introduce you all to Guinness. He's from Memphis, so i feel it's appropriate for me to call him G-dog, G-Money, Hom-e-G... whatever southen slang slur i can come up with at the time. He's a great dog tho. but i'm a little partial i think, he snuggled with me a lot! :)


So... I'm not ready to have come home. but i am not sure i ever would be ready. I can tell you i sure did not expect to love it so much there. I mean, i hear about the sub zero temps, i know all about the 100 ft of snow you get in 1 hr there, (maybe that's a slight exadderation) but i can't explain how amazing it was for me... I met some really, REALLY fun people, and i genuinely did like them all... (like i wouldn't have tho??) but i really did have tons of fun with them. and!! man, the cities, and i mean, the 100 cities all rolled into one big metropolitian area, are all CLEAN! beautiful! and so full of culture and class and charisma... not to mention... why i went in the first place... speechless. there's just not words for it yet. I should have taken much more advantage of my time, but i was very well taken care of instead... I honestly do not know how i would want to leave, with a time had as we did. No words.

I have tho THUROUGHLY enjoyed my time with my babies tonight. Oh, i did miss them so much. and they missed me! and we had a great time tonight, eating pizza. yeah, really nutritious, i know! :) but it was great!



OH AND GUESS WHAT!! i'm gonna be a cousin-aunt! :) my cousin (who's 2 yrs younger and is the only sister i've known) is gonna have a baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!! (that's a real YAY!) Congrats, Jen! i love you!!!! can't wait to talk to you!!!!

Hey there, from Minneapolis!

I've been here for 5 days. it's been a GREAT trip, some much needed down time. I stayed with a friend in a basement... and as weird as that sounds, it's very common here for ppl to live in basements. :) and for me, was awesome, as i slept till i wanted every day, have done nothing, unless I wanted to and i've been able to detatch from everything, except those things and ppl which i chose to contact. :) it's really been the best thing ever for me. just... rest... aaahhhh, the joys!!!! :) I have been able to actually LOOK at some of the pics i've taken over the last couple of weeks... slowing posting on flickr www.flickr.com/photos/onlyaubs/ as i go.


Here's some pictures. of course... would you expect anything else from me? :) flying home today. i wish i had just 5 more days....


I get my girls back this week too! :) woohoo!!!

return from the infirmary

Hello from the near dead...

I spent the last two weeks getting close to the beyond with a sickness that was beyond words. I didn't go to the doctor, but i think i caught whatever cold was going around the church. And I caught it at the worst time too, right before Sonya came into town and then, also, right before our BIG WEEKEND of the Make Room conference. I felt so bad, so i drugged myself up on 4 pills every 4 hours, plus "Emergen-C" as well (which is REALLY GREAT by the way) and i got about 12 hrs sleep from Friday to Monday. it was a rather crazy, but awesome weekend. We found out tonight that over 150 lives were impacted for God last weekend from our services. i mean, wow... that is FABULOUS!!!!! I got a great night's sleep Monday night and i felt like a brand new person, the meds kept me going i think, but the sleep (and prayer) made all the difference in the world.

I did find out this week that we lost a great friend and co-worker last weekend. it's been a rather difficult time for our whole department. This fella, who was from Europe, was in my role just a couple of years ago. He was so talented, such a great resource and someone i respected dearly and enjoyed working with. we will miss him dearly... and wish his family all the best and send all our love. Barnabas, you will be missed...

I had another busy weekend again... but i got to do a photoshoot with some photography friends!!! yay!!!!!!!! had such a great time!!!!!!!!!! Here's one of the pictures... my kids are so awesome!!!! they did so good, we shot them for a while, and man... did 2 hrs FLY BY or what!!?? it was crazy!!! it seemed like we just got there and then it was over. but the kiddos posed for us perfectly. then we got some great family shots! i haven't had pics taken of us since Emma was 6 months old! can ya'll believe that !!??? They're total hams! and I LOVE THEM!!! (Tim Harris, yes, odd, huh? Took the pic on the left, i took the one on right)

Had another awesome weekend during Wide Open! Tonight was GREAT! and now i must get rest before i leave on Thursday, for me to go to Minneapolis! :) i am mega excited!!!!!!!!!! WOOHOO!! Oh, i did talk to Sonya Saturday. She had a great week, just a lot of work. Lets pray for a May Graduation for her! :) i can't wait for her to come home!!!!!!!!!!

Road trip!

So... tomorrow, i get to pick up Sonya. and i didn't realize that you may not know who she is... Sonya and i have been "BFF's" for about 2 years. She worked for the Church and for Go Global and both of us have huge hearts for God, for building God's house, for Missions and for just... living and loving life while we Serve. Anyhoo... I am going to pick her up and i will get to see her all weekend! :) it's like... it's like going to see my family. Even though i do have a COUSIN in DALLAS that i could see... Seeing Sonya is very similar. She was there for me thru 2 mission trips and man... we just have the best times together. :) and i get to pick her up tomorrow! YAY! I'm so excited!

The girls LOVE her too! they call her Ms. Sonya. and they know she loves them too. We all miss her, but we know her life is growing by leaps and bounds and changing, and man, it's awesome to hear what amazing things God is doing in her life. it gives me hope that I am not forgotten, lost, left behind, even when i feel like at times, my life is rushing around me and i'm just watching it all go by around me. But then, but then i get surprise calls from old friends who have moved away and i stop... i stop for just the few brief moments, or so it feels, to take in what is happening. and i realize that there's still so much of my life that is yet to come. and i feel alive again, excited about what God has ahead in my future. and i get inspired yet once again... it's a lovely cycle that i know God uses to keep us moving.

There really is so much to look forward to. :) life is awesome. I need to stop long enough to publish more pics that i've taken! :S hopefully soon... very very soon! More blogs to come after Make Room Conference! just such a busy time now! OH btw... my team got some MAJOR kudo's after this past month end... we have a lot of work still ahead of us, but they were happy, very happy, with the strides that we made so far! this is HUGELY AWESOME!!!

(and so is the tribute to my cousin! LOVE YOU!) ------>

Better than Mcky-D's... I'm Lovin IT!!!

Running joke in my new department... it or I.T. ? or does one equal the other? Yes, you can all see i'm getting quite cozy in my new position with our IT department at work. It's been quite fun, i do have to admit. i'm learning so much, some wins, some loses, but all in all, it's been a good experience for me so far! :) and i'm sure it will continue to be. Seeing as how i'm the only chick on a team of about 20 men, you all know i'm instantly the appointed Chairman of Social Activites, the mom, the nagging sister, the birthday reminder, the lunch coordinator and Director of Festivities. I think most of the guys are cool with it, i mean, at least there's now some sort of decoration on a desk in our area, MINE of course! haahha!! i have all sorts of pics up, a plant, such items that make it look a little more inviting in our area. :) Anyways, enjoying learning something new.

Next, I'll be taking a trip to Minnesota in about 2 weeks. :) sure to be a fantastic trip and i am terribly excited about it!!! :) we know many good pictures will be coming from it! I'm ready to leave now... but i can't b/c i'm also very excited about the Make Room Conference http://thelifechurch.com/m_makeroom.php we're gonna have at The Life Church next weekend!!!!!!!!!!!! it's bound to be fabulous!!!!!!! it was a terrific conference last year, so many good reports came from it, and i'm sure this year is going to be bigger and better! I have met people all over our city/area, Memphis and Mississippi, who came last year to the conference who were so happy and blessed! they're telling me now that they will be attending the conference as well next weekend. AAANNNNDDDDD..... even more to be excited about is that SONYA WILL BE IN TOWN NEXT WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!! For those of you who don't know... Sonya is my bff. I can not wait to see her! i talked to her today, she's had a cold but is doing so much better, and her back is feeling better as well. I just can't wait to see her!!!!

Life is going great! I've made some great changes in my life lately and coincidentially, I've had some monkey from my past be taken off my back, some purposefully some not, but none the less, I know God is moving my life forward!!!!!!! :) and for that, i can not be more thankful... i mean.... sooooooooo thankful. God is changing me, from the inside out, again, to better than i was before. My life is not my own.

My brother, Derek, is at Camp Stryker in Iraq, supposed to be one of the nicest bases in the area. He's doing good, i've talked to him online! :) and that was soooo awesome!!!!!!!! so happy and such a relief. :) It's good to know he's doing good. i wish i could talk to him more tho. I miss him so much...

Hoping to make another trip to India this summer! :) Joel says Hillsong will be there in May for a huge conference. It's going to be good to get to see everyone again! The Spiritual heaviness there was incredible... i know God is moving mountains in India, i can not wait to get back there, i still do think i will live there as a missionary one day... for real... I love this country.

I put some pics from our Chick Nite at church last weekend, what an amazing weekend it was!!! I will post more on facebook and/or flickr tomorrow maybe. I can't wait for all the stuff coming up tho! Make Room, Minnesota!!! I CAN'T WAIT! :)

Something new...

Hey guys! I have had some guilt lately about not blogging in a bit... but I'm still running around crazily like a chicken with my head cut off! :) I've been taking pictures, like you would NEVER believe! 2 weekends ago, i had 5 shooting sessions... can you believe it!? but I love it!!! And... guess what!?

I just got in the mail today my newest addition to my Nikon Family... an 18-105 VR lens! :) i'm so excited! i have not taken it out of the box yet, as i just picked it up, however, you all can rest assured that i will take the adequate # of 'first time' shots tonight! i'm so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been shooting The Dempseys A LOT lately (mostly b/c i have been working late and can go out there after 9pm). Last night, i took almost 700 pictures. some are really good... i'm going to give them a CD of their stuff and possibly have them use my stuff on their websites, they have a facebook and myspace page too... thedempseys.net is their band page tho. check it out!

Will post more stuff soon! BTW, my brothers are doing great! Derek is well taken care of for now in Iraq. Keep prayin for him!

"Alas... we meet again"

Do you ever see someone and that's the first thing that comes to your head... 'Alas, we meet again' in that Susan-Sarandon-soap-star-from-Friends-overdramatic-crazy'tress role? Jessica someone... anyways... i am in that kind of mood tonight... part of me is fuming with emotions, part of me is exhausted and part of me is just plain, darn happy! Church was off 'da chain tonight! and i didn't take any pictures!!! AAARRRGGGHHH! but we had a WONDERFUL guest Pastor, then we made 2 new pastors, then it was, just wow!!! AMAZING! such a good night to be up there, on the team, serving... every night that we increase a kingdom, ever service, every time i see a hand raised, i am hoping, praying... i hope they have a heart to grow God's house. because, as i see with my two little munchkins... there is no sweeter joy than watching them or hearing their voice tell me, 'Mommy, i love going to church' or 'Mommy, i love Jesus' and i just want to cry every time!!! aaahhhooo!! i can't wait to get them back this weekend!



So, in normal fashion... i will begin with the dramatics. My uncles mom passed away... another family tragedy, hopefully the only one this week! mom and i were talking, we've had one every week for the past 4 weeks... and we could really do without one for a while! :S but... on a good note, i filed my taxes! WOOHOO for single parents! (who need the cash! :) and Derek is hopefully going to get leave in August. !!! woohooo!!! for his birthday.

so, that's that! lets talk about India. I have our first India mtg tomorrow night at the church! i will post more info when i get it, but we're gonna go build something! YAY! that is all i know now, oh, and we'll be in the same area as last time. in the middle of the country, by Hyderabad. :) i can not wait to see my friends! i miss them so much!!!! Sounds of the Nations guys!!! i miss singing with them! i can't wait to go back and love on that country again... such amazing people we met!

ok... it's good to go to bed on a good note! i miss Missions.........

Picture taking coming up on saturday! but i think i need to post more of my last shoots before i go out and do another one! :S http://www.flickr.com/photos/onlyaubs/

Retreating no more

So, I did it... i took a weekend for me... and me alone. I know that seems like a very boring, 'who cares' kind of thing, but it was a BIG DEAL for me... i've not ever, seriously, that i can think of, took a full weekend just for me to get away. as in... no phone, no internet, tv only if i chose to watch it, gotten away on purpose just for me to relax. No work, no church, no kids, no schedule, no events, no nothing... Now, before any of you who actually know me start to think i must have been drugged or bribed or maybe even kidnapped, yes, i did in fact do this for me. I did, also, miss the showing of a testimony video that I filmed for our church!! on my weekend! i left... however, it was not planned that way. For you who have read some of my posts lately or even just maybe know me personally, life has been a little heavy in the trauma and drama of it all and well - disconnecting, rest and detachment is what i have needed... and these indeed are what i did.

It was awesome to go to nature, a very similar spot to where i went to high school and where my mom still lives, in the hills and forest and trees and lakes and trails and... man... it was totally awesome. Andy and Brandy went with me, we got a cabin at Natchez State Park, a short distance past Jackson, TN. I was able to talk to Sonya on Saturday, from the top of a hill on the Pine Oak trail, Andy took a picture of me 'not disconnecting' but i will never miss the chance to talk with her! Its so exciting and encouraging to hear how her life is changing, from the inside out and what God is doing in her. It keeps giving me hope that i am not lost and i am not forgotten, even when i feel like all hope should or could be lost at times. It's just such an inspiration... it makes me get all fired up... I titled this blog 'retreating no more' because I am not running away any more. i'm not going to hide and wait patiently for others around me or things to start coming my way. I'm not going to sit back idly while my life passes me by. Over the past 6 months, i started a new position, of which i am officially leaving today, Monday the 2nd of February and this has TOTALLY been a time of rest for me. the position i had before it was supppppppppppeerrrrr hard-core and i was very very very worn out. i was physically and emotionally exhausted from the year and 1/2 i was in that role and i was just... pooped. so the job i had come to was such a relief. i was able to finally breathe, and i was also able to catch up on my life, as in outside of work. but in doing so, i got lazy in a lot of my other obligations. DR ended and i just fell out, pretty much. in general. so... all that to say this. Passive Aubrey exists no more. Time to get up and go-get-em... if you don't get out and get what God, Himself, is putting right in front of you, who will????

India, here we come.

Faithfulness, I'm yours.

Service is here.

I have caught my breath and ready to jump back in the race. We are all called to a race. I remember having a philosophical talk with some friends of mine, Christian, and we discussed why it is so important to not know the future... it's always said and we firmly believed that if God always showed you what He has called for your life, you'd never find it because you're always thinking... that cant be for me, i'm not good enough, I will never be able to handle that... i don't deserve to have God give this to me... and man... is that ever true. Even if you do not know what race you are called to, you better stay on the trail... you better stay fit and you better keep running.... because you just never know when you will get the baton. I'm not willing to stop.

So... 2 days, 3 nature walks, 969 pictures, 2 grilled cheeses and 1 fire later... i am home with some clarity and some fired up determination.

My family is tough, we are strong and Derek will come home safely, we are all sure of it. My step mom's dad is still in the hospital and may not come home so i'm still believing for her sanity. And i must away to bed so that i will keep mine. But... Happy Birthday to my mom, her birthday is Feb 1.

Good nite! and wish me luck with my new position! :)

guess what...

Wow... what a week it's been!!!!!!!!! and it's only Wednesday, no? I know there's too much going on when I am reacting to feeling i have no idea that i am actually harboring. Such has been the case over the last 5 days.

Friday, my brother's friend passed away. Kameron Hale. He was 16 and loved by many many people. It's been hard on their school, but just such a blessing that most seem to be dealing with it quite well. I think the hardest part for our family is the feeling of helplessness. I know it is for me. My mom called me around 1030 that night and there was really nothing i could do. And... i am EVER MORE thankful that i was with a very good friend of mine... with my other brother leaving for Iraq this week, well... sometimes, you just need some support. and that's the lesson i think God is really trying to teach me, that I am not made to handle every single thing all on my own all the time and that I really have to just break down the walls and let people in, OCCASIONALLY. I know we have to guard our hearts, A LOT... and be mindful of who and what we let in, but you know... sometimes, you just need to be taken care of. and man... am i ever having a time with this! Being vulnerable to another person can and has been dangerous and it's not to be taken or given lightly. So.... yeah... its so awesome to have amazing friends that you can rest in!!! and it makes me miss my BFF so much... My other brother, he's now going to be gone for up to 2 years. that was the other bout of news received friday night... so a big double-whamie for my family to receive this weekend. All i can do is pray for them... and for me and ask you to do the same. And try to maintain some sort of sanity thru this course. Races are not to be run lightly and they're not easy. but you know what... God doesn't call everyone to run them either. So i do take joy in the trials and tribulations... b/c i know it's an honor to be put on that track in the first place!

Ok, enough of the drama center. This is why we don't watch soap operas!!! So, this weekend, my church debuted the new look and new stage! it's been quite amazing! we had a really awesome weekend and of course, some great pics! i have the pics on my facebook, and will throw some around in here too! :) We had just a GREAT weekend and over the last couple of weeks, i've been talking with our media leaders learning about the amazing # of people who check the website, watch our video of the sermons and report to have made fresh starts, it's really quite awesome! Our videos are the #1 hits on our chruch website! :)http://www.thelifechurch.com/ and that's so awesome!!! it's great to know how technology is still making a way for us to impact lives, for people all over the city, state and world! Just... motivating!!! I had a great time taking some pictures this weekend! We even did a portrait shoot saturday that i think turned out with some BEAUTIFUL shots, and i took a girl friend of mine, from church, she's a dancer for some studios in town, and just a great chick in general! (picture to the right) She's a BLAST to hang with and made the day quite enjoyable, i was definitely not feelin it that day after receiving all the news from my mom. But I learned a LOT from watching the photographers. it was the best of both worlds, having my picture taken and getting to see what they were doing, how they were doing it, it was really fun to experiment! :) loved it!!! However, the weekend wasn't really bad at all here, just my heart breaking for my family. I just want to love on them. But I am ever so thankful for my peeps this weekend being there and cheering me on! It really did turn out to be a blast. :)

And last night... i had fun. Last night i filmed a video for my church, as in I was the subject.... weird, i know! it's not too often at all i'm on that side of the camera. :) but it was good, it was a lot of fun, and i'm SOOOO happy that my girl Stacie got to do it with me! she's most definitely one of my best good friends ever and it was such a treat that she got to be the one i was able to talk to while we filmed it. it was a testimony video done entirely with MEDIA PEEPS! aahhh, it was just so awesome. I'm so blessed... sometimes, i just need a good slap of goodness to realize it. (self portrait to the right)

Ok, that's all folks. I'm retreating away for the weekend. hopefully, gonna take 1000 pictures by the time i get back.

Love to ya momma.